Goodbye

           This morning I awoke to Smokey’s piercing cries as he leaped onto my bed.  Smokey, my eight year old black cat with long silky hair, has been my alarm clock every morning since we brought him home at seven weeks.  He loves his canned food, which I give as I get ready for school, and if I don’t, he cries until I do. 

            Today, however, when I feed him, he simply looks into the bowl and then back up at me.  Then he slowly walks over to me, not in his usual strut but as if it hurts to lifts his paws, and rubs against my leg.  For five minutes, we sit on the floor in the middle of the room and cuddle.  It dawns on me.  He’s not hungry this morning.  He needs the comfort as much as I do.

            He’s grieving.

            This week we said goodbye to my other baby, a grey and white shorthair with whom I fell in love during second grade.  Trixie, so called due to my favorite book series at the time, was one of several kittens born at my great-grandmother’s.  My grandmother gathered all of them and began to give them away, but when I visited, this tiny fur ball leaped into my lap and wouldn’t let go.  She chose me.  I brought her home several days later and introduced her to the family. 

            When Smokey came, she welcomed him in, not knowing that for the rest of her life he’d chase and torture her incessantly.  Smokey’s unique.  He’s loveable, snuggling up one minute, yet ornery the next, trying to open the kitchen cupboard to get his favorite food, Ritz crackers.  He’s the annoying little brother.  He wasn’t always kind to Trix, so I never expected this reaction.

            But death has a way of opening our eyes.  For him, it’s that she’s not here.  Her absence has affected us all.  No longer does she sit in my lap as I write my papers or nestle in beside me when I read at night.  She isn’t snuggled up on top of my arm when I wake up in the morning.  She won’t be.  I knew that Tuesday evening when we took her to the vet.  Smokey did not.  He went on as if life was fine and dandy, without any fear of losing someone he cares about.

            How often do I do that with the people around me?  My brother, mom, grandparents, cousins….I just expect them to always be there.  But that’s not how life works.  Sometimes things happen, and I need to embrace every second I have with them.